Keeping yourself satisfied in bed is important, whether it be with yourself or your partner, but figuring out different ways to do so can be difficult after awhile. Perhaps you feel like you’ve mastered all of the positions with your partner or have already gotten to know the touch of your hand? Maybe you’re just looking for a safe alternative for foreplay? Whatever the case, it just might be time to change things up.  The easiest way to do this is to introduce a sex toy into your love making, specifically a vibrator.

However, simply saying you should use a vibrator isn’t as straight forward as it sounds—there are a lot of factors involved when choosing one.  Use this vibrator guide as your jumping off point and then continue to investigate and explore on your own.

To begin, a vibrator is a sex toy which can be used to stimulate any erogenous zone or part of the body. Many are also designed for vaginal or anal penetration. Vibrators can be purchased at adult novelty stores and online websites. I personally recommend buying adult toys from Adam & Eve. You’ll find that they can range in price and can be purchased for as little as $10 and go as high as $200.

Vibrators can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. One of the most common shapes for a vibrator is a penis shape. However, don’t fear if that’s not your thing. You can find ones that are small enough to go on your finger, ones that are egg or bullet shaped, and even ones that are disguised as lipstick or a rubber duck.

When purchasing a vibrator, you’ll have to decide how you and your partner will want to use it. Do you want to use it for clitoral stimulation or for penetration as well? You can skip the phallic-shaped vibrators if you’re only looking for clitoral stimulation. If you’re looking for penetration, you can choose between a vibrator that has an additional clitoral stimulator or not. These will typically be shaped like a penis and have an additional attachment that protrudes out from the base. A full on vibrator with options like this, such as a Rabbit vibrator, will give you the most variety, but a small bullet or finger vibrator are also great, straight to the point and full of fun.

You’ll need to pay attention to the material once you have decided on what kind of vibrator you want.  Sex toys are not regulated by the FDA, meaning that while there are plenty of safe toys out there, there are some unsafe ones as well; it’s important to know the difference.  Look at the packaging and make sure your toy is made with medical grade silicone or metal, hard plastic, elastomer or glass. These five materials are safe for your body, while materials such as PVC, jelly, and non medical grade silicone and metal are not. Want to know more? Go here.

Finally, you’ll want to take the cleaning process into consideration. The cleaning process for silicone is different than the one required for metal sex toys. Check out this guide on how to clean sex toys based on material. Using the correct process can ensure that you and your partner are safe and that you get the maximum life from your toy.

Once you’ve taken the time to look into these options, it’s time to make a decision that best fits your needs and desires. It may take a few trial and errors to find one that really works for you, but luckily the world of vibrators is vast and full of options. Remember to keep an open mind, relax and have fun.

Thanks, Stephanie! I just couldn’t close without putting in a plug for my favorite vibrators—electric body massagers. These powerful massagers give orgasm after orgasm with a surprisingly smooth vibration. Check out this one.

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This post, An Introduction to Vibrators originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on February 27, 2013. Tweet This Post!

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My Sexual Permission Slip

• I give myself permission to talk about sex.
• I give myself permission to talk about sex with the intention of learning something new, both about the person I’m talking to and about sex in general.
• I give myself permission to talk about sex as a safe, sane, and consensual act that brings health and pleasure to the world.
• I give myself permission to talk about sex as though it’s really important—as important as politics and elections and human rights and stopping global warming and ending poverty and curing cancer. Sex is that important.
• I give myself permission to ask questions, dig deep, and find the meaning of sex—for me.
• I give myself permission to laugh. Sex is funny and sexual energy running through my body will often produce giggles—for no reason—for no reason other than that it feels good.
• I give myself permission to separate sex—temporarily—from all the things it’s been glued to, like love, romance, and relationships. When I figure out what sex is—for me—then I can put it back together with things like love, romance, and relationships in combinations that are right for me.
• I give myself permission to do sex differently than my friends do, and to want different things from sex than my friends want.
• I give myself permission to keep sex just for myself.
• I give myself permission to not have sex at all.
• I give myself permission to figure out what my needs are before I have sex, when I am having sex and after I have had sex—and to get those needs met.
• I give myself permission to take a risk—not a health risk, but an emotional risk and even sometimes a physical risk. I give myself permission to let my soul get naked before my body does.
• I give myself permission to trust my instincts—even when (and perhaps especially when) other people don’t like it.
• I give myself permission to say no and not explain why. I give myself permission to say yes and not explain why.
• I give myself permission to talk about sex. (Yes, that’s right. Repeat it once more.)

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This post, My Sexual Permission Slip originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on March 13, 2012. Tweet This Post!

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This post, Best Performance in Sign Language originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on May 11, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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Anne Francis passed away on Sunday, 2 January 2011. I had known this was coming for some time, but that did not lessen the impact when I finally heard the news. As an actress, Anne was known for her beauty, her talent and for creating inspiring female characters with style, wit, and independent spirits. Many years ago I got to know another side of Anne—the generous, wise, compassionate, spiritual being she showed to me at a most critical time in my life.

What follows are a few excerpts from a letter of gratitude I sent to Anne sixteen years ago. I am posting these excepts as a tribute to the woman whose love, generosity and compassion shapes my life to this day.

5 September 1994

Dear Anne,

Hello and Happy Birthday. It has been twenty-one years since I last wrote to you. For many of these past years I have intended to write to you again to say thank you for the profound effect your letters to me of so many years ago had on my life. I suppose I always hoped that since we both worked in show business and were both very involved with metaphysics that we would simply bump into each other one day, either backstage somewhere or at a workshop. At the same time I knew that writing this letter was something I would do one day. In order to be able to express my gratitude to you I had to look at a period of my life that was very difficult and very painful. And it has taken me a while to be be able to do that. The letters I wrote to you many years ago came from helplessness and pain; this one comes from healing.

•••••

I began writing to you sometime in 1966, I believe. I was 12 years old and had fallen in love with Honey West and with you. I had no idea if any of those early letters found their way to you, but I kept writing and in October of 1969 you answered. I’m enclosing a copy of that first letter; Maggie was 11 days old! In order to explain the impact this letter and the subsequent ones had on my life, I’ll give you a little background.

•••••

[Miserable childhood spent being punished for wanting to be an actress explained]

•••••

So I watched a lot of TV to escape. One Friday night in September 1965 I turned on the new series about a female private eye (“Pretty cool and about time!” I thought) and my world changed. It was one of those profound moments when the universe sends you a major gift. You’re not quite sure what it means or what you’re supposed to do with it, but you know that something way down deep inside has changed and things are never going to be the same. And things never were. Honey was glamorous and gorgeous but she was also tough and smart. Nobody pushed her around. And she didn’t work for some man—a really neat guy worked for her. I wanted to be Honey West? Not exactly. I wanted to be the actress who got to play Honey West. No more hiding in the closet for me – I was going to be an actress and be damned what anyone thought.

I might as well have declared war in the house. It was the beginning of years of fighting and being disowned (three times), screamed at, punished, called a tramp, and told that if theatre is what I wanted I could just bicycle my way to rehearsals in a February snowstorm.

By the time I had received your first letter I was fifteen and had completed my first professional summer stock season. The summer had been bliss. But now it was fall and I was stuck back in the house with my parents. I guess Mom and Dad figured I had had my little taste of theatre and should now settle down into real life. Every day was a battle. What little freedom I had was only gained by complicated pyramids of lies built on other lies. I was becoming emotionally worn out. I felt powerless and dead inside and no one cared. I contemplated running away. Even though I was smart enough to know how difficult and dangerous that would be I thought it might actually be better than what I was going through at home.

And then I got your first letter. It was a thank you for whatever little present I had sent you for your birthday. But it was more than just a thank you. You told me what was going on in your life. You let me into your life just enough to make me feel that someone knew I existed. The real me. I do not know when you first received any of my letters, but I do know that I used those letters to you to scream out who I was. Nobody ever wanted to hear that. And no one ever responded, except perhaps with punishment or verbal abuse. Except you. You never got caught up in my drama or tried to fix the situation, you just sent love. Love and acknowledgment. I will never forget reading that first letter about Maggie and Smokey and your new film. Or the ones that followed. You’d tell me if you were doing a new play or film, maybe a few lines about the children. Friendly loving cards or notes that kept me going. You gave me just enough of yourself to sustain me and sustain me they did.

I learned so much from those letters. I learned that my mother was wrong about successful people in show business—they could be loving, generous people who had lives that were very much like everyone else’s. When I first became a theatrical company manager in New York—I was only about 23—people were always amazed at my ability to “handle” difficult stars. I think that talent has something to do with learning from you that we’re all just people trying to do the best job we can in a difficult profession we adore. I learned that it could be safe to love someone and be who I was with them and be loved in return. I had never been able to trust anyone before this. I had only learned manipulation at home. I began to open up to friends, especially in the theatre. My acting got better! I allowed new people in whom I loved and who loved me. I began to live my life from a center of personal power and some sense of self love rather then from the defensive position in a never ending battle.

•••••

Thank you, Anne, for sending love to a mixed up kid you didn’t know and didn’t have to take the time to care about. Thank you for being there for me when I didn’t believe in people or God. Thank you for my first lessons in the the power of unconditional love. Thank you for the secondary level of that course in the form of your book [Voices From Home: An Inner Journey]. Thank you for occupying a special private corner of my heart which is a place I can always go when I need to remember what gratitude feels like. It is true that you often can’t repay someone for something wonderful they did for you; your only obligation is to pass it on. However, I can say thank you and send you love. And that’s why I wrote this letter.

With love always,

Barbara

On Monday morning when I heard Anne had passed away, I did what I always do when someone I love deeply has crossed over. I ask them, “Please send me a sign to let me know you are okay.” Within an hour a familiar voice in my head said, “Go look in the bottom drawer of your brown wooden file cabinet.” I had not opened that drawer in years. I had no idea what was in there. Under a few pieces of paper I found the letter Anne had sent me in response to the letter you’ve just read excerpts from. Here’s some of what she said:

Dear Barbara,

I read your remarkable letter yesterday. You chose the perfect time to send it, dear one. I am coming out of the most painful time of my life (on all levels). What a joy to be told I have been of some assistance to a precious soul who was trying to make sense of Life’s confounding maze. “Something” does guide us, Barbara, even during the times we feel most disconnected. I am most grateful you decided to communicate at this time…

…It sounds like you are doing wonderful things with your life. I am so happy for you.

Hugs,

Anne

Once again, Anne has sent me exactly the right words at exactly the right time. Although it’s painful working my way through the enormous grief I feel right now, it’s comforting to know that I’m still guided by Anne’s “voice from home”.

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This post, An Open Letter of Gratitude to Anne Francis (1930 – 2011) originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on January 5, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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One of the most thrilling collections of diva performances on one stage in years! All to celebrate Sondheim’s 80th birthday.

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This post, Divas Celebrate Sondheim originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on December 7, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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‎”Love has the same relationship to the soul as breathing has to the body.” Osho

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This post, Osho on Love and Breath originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on November 29, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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OSHO

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This post, Osho on Perfection originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on September 13, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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Louise Hay and I discuss the Totality of Possibilities. Louise’s brilliant and inspiring 1989 talk became the basis for so much of my work.

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This post, The Totality of Possibilities with Louise Hay originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on August 4, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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Breath and energy orgasms go mainstream. Joy Behar and I talk about how and why to have them on CNN!

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This post, Thinking Off with Joy Behar originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on July 30, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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Osho

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This post, Osho on “Devil”/”Lived” originally appeared on Barbara Carrellas/Urban Tantra® on July 29, 2010. Tweet This Post!

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